


And We Walk the Trodden Path Alone

by GoingCaked



Series: No Path is Ever Completely Smooth [5]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Denial, M/M, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 15:10:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3855211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoingCaked/pseuds/GoingCaked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can be read as a one shot.</p>
<p>It takes Gavin a long time, and a lot of denial, but he figures things out eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And We Walk the Trodden Path Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains: some rape culture stuff, dealings with unhealthy views of sexuality, a mention of beer drinking, a character insulting themself, impostor syndrome.

Gavin needed to buy new posters. What kind of fifteen year old boy just had posters of video games on his walls? Plus he spent all his time on roosterteeth.com or talking to Dan, so what were his parents supposed to think?

So Gavin needed to get some new posters to stop his parents thinking he was gay. Not that there was anything wrong with that! It was just that Gavin _wasn't_. He'd thought maybe he was at one point, when he still wasn't quite sure what the appeal of breasts were but that hadn't meant anything. He hadn't felt anything but kind of sick when he'd tried watching gay porn, so there was no reason in the world to worry about that. He was totally straight, he was just being his usual minging self and not getting that across well enough.

So to rectify that he was going to go and get some lovely posters of ladies for his walls to replace his ones of Halo. That way everyone would know that Gavin liked looking at birds and wasn't doing something like wanking off to his Master Chief poster. Besides, only little kids lay in their beds and imagined going off on adventures with video game characters, and he definitely wasn't a little kid anymore. He was a teenage boy that had teenage boy fantasies about wet women in bathing suits and he wanted everyone to know that.

  


*

  


He lost his virginity at seventeen to a girl that was enamoured with his tales of Austin. It had been awkward, and Gavin had had a hard time keeping his erection. He'd always been told that when shagging guys were supposed to have to think about old ladies or whatever to stop from cumming too fast. It took all Gavin's concentration _too_ cum. Afterwards the girl had said he'd done a wonderful job and had wanted to see him again.

Gavin stopped talking too her and eventually she got the hint.

But that was what boys did. They had sex with a girl then ignored her.

He was doing everything he was supposed to.

  


*

  


He had sex with many more girls, especially when he was in America and his accent was 'sexy'. Dan would be very proud of him. No way anyone would think he was gay.

  


*

  


_Michael Jones._

Little Michael 'Rage Quit, His Boi, Mi-cool' Jones.

Gavin had watched Rage Quit ever since Burnie had told him about it, and thought it was quite top, but meeting him in person.

He had the greatest laugh, and even though he would yell at Gavin he would always be the first one to come to his aid. He wore the most perfect beanies over his amazing curls. Sometimes when he wasn't paying attention his Jersey accent would slip in for real, but he always made them edit that out.

Sometimes in the office Gavin had trouble doing his own work because he was so focused on what Michael was doing. Sometimes he pushed himself to do work better than he'd ever done before because he wanted to impress Michael.

It took him an embarrassingly long time to figure out he had a crush.

And that made sense didn't it? He'd always just been going through the motions with women, hadn't he?

So he was gay then. He thought maybe he would have minded that more, being weird in one more way, except that every time he thought of Michael he'd lighten again, because as luck would have it _Michael_ was gay. Or bi. Or whatever. He and his lovely X-Ray were dating, had been for _years_. Which was kind of awkward, but, miracle of miracles, _not an obstacle_.

He'd known through Geoff even before he moved back to Austin that Michael wasn't exclusive, Gavin had even _seen_ Ray smile and tell Michael to enjoy himself as Michael left on a date with IT guy Ryan.

So… So Gavin could just _go for it_.

It sounded like the worst idea ever. He didn't know what he'd _do_ if Michael turned him down, or if it got awkward. He couldn't exactly just ignore Michael until he went away, and he felt like he would _die_ if he didn't get to see his boi every day.

It sounded like the best idea ever. Even if, heaven forbid, it didn't work out, Michael was so kind. He would understand. And he was so smart, Gavin was sure Michael knew how to make it not awkward between them.

It worked out.

Gavin had never been so happy.

  


*

  


The first time they'd had sex had been _magical_. He loved Michael so much, so it had to be.

It was the first time that Gavin had had sex with a bloke, but he did _know_ how to have sex, and Michael had done lots of buggering, so the uncertain awkwardness of losing his virginity was gone.

Instead he just got to take in perfect Michael and the way they moved together.

Gavin told himself it was everything he ever wanted.

He managed to force himself to orgasm. Michael would have felt bad if he hadn't.

  


*

  


Geoff made fun of him once when he admitted he didn't masturbate. Gavin didn't see why Geoff found that so weird. First he'd lived in his parents house, now he lived with Geoff. It would be rude.

Geoff seemed to think that was a silly thing to say.

But Gavin didn't think Geoff was just joking. Geoff really seemed to think it was totally strange that Gavin didn't masturbate.

For the next two weeks he kept leaving porn mags around and offering to go out for a couple hours.

Eventually Gavin started to think that maybe Geoff wasn't really joking at all, and he really did feel it was important to masturbate.

And Gavin was totally normal, and if totally normal people masturbated than so would he.

It had been even more awkward than Gavin had thought.

He'd only kept up for two weeks. It wasn't like he was going to get 'backed-up' like Geoff so elegantly put it. All he had to do was get up to do laundry in the middle of the night every couple months and he was perfectly fine.

  


*

  


They came together as six easier than Gavin would have ever thought.

He hadn't known that kind of happiness existed in the world.

  


*

  


They shagged a lot. Gavin loved them, so he must love the sex. Sex was _great_. What could possibly be so wrong with him that he wouldn't enjoy sex with the men he loved?

  


*

  


It had been a _joke_. It had all just been a stupid _joke_ over who could go the longest without munking it or shagging. It wasn't supposed to be _serious._ It wasn't supposed to make them lose Ray.

But somehow that was exactly what it had done.

Ray had been tense and weird all through the bet, but Gavin had really just thought that he was just pent up, he hadn't known there was something else going on. But now…

He'd been so weird during their end-of-bet sex. Gavin had been focusing on Geoff and Ryan, and Jack and Michael had been focused on each other, so no one could remember what Ray had been like during it, but they were all aware how afterwards he looked like he was about to _cry_ or something. Like somehow something _bad_ had happened, even though _no one_ thought sex was bad.

Then he'd avoided them for the next three days. Michael and Jack had both asked him out. Ryan had tried to talk to him. Gavin mostly just avoided him. He didn't know what to say and didn't want to make things worse.

Geoff had looked at him and Michael and Jack with sad eyes one evening.

"Has Ray ever initiated sex with any of you?" he'd asked.

None of them could remember him having done so. Apparently Ryan couldn't either.

But that wasn't that unusual, right? X-Ray was just shy. He didn't want to be pushy.

And Ray didn't have anything to prove. No one was going to think maybe Ray was only pretending to be gay because he didn't have enough sex with them, so Ray had no reason to go around initiating things.

It had to be fine.

It wasn't fine. All Geoff did was ask Ray if he was okay and Ray had started crying and said he was _breaking up with them_.

Gavin felt like his heart had _shattered_. It was hard to breathe.

Gavin had never felt so grateful to Geoff as when he shepherded them all into Michael's bedroom so that he could deal with Ray on his own.

They all stood and sat in tense silence, listening in on the conversation.

So Ray wasn't attracted to them after all. It made sense why he wouldn't like Gavin. Even maybe about the Gents. But Michael and Ray had been together for _years_. It wasn't possible Ray had just been pretending all that time, was it? People didn't just _pretend_ like that.

Or… what if he hadn't been pretending but than Gavin had ruined everything! He'd been so worried about making sure that everyone liked him that he'd forgotten that some of them had more important relationships. He didn't think he could live with himself if he was the reason that Michael and Ray broke up.

But apparently Ryan had another idea.

Lovely Ryan was so smart. He knew so many things. Gavin would never be worth him.

Gavin had never heard of 'asexual'.

He'd had to look it up the moment he got home. Apparently it was 'someone who didn't experience sexual attraction'.

But that didn't _sound_ like Ray? Ray had always had plenty of sex with them and seemed to like it, right?

But that wasn't true was it? If that were true he wouldn't have been so tense during the whole bet. So he didn't like sex. Gavin had been forcing him to do something for all this time that he hadn't liked.

His stomach rolled. It kept rolling for so long eventually Gavin didn't notice it anymore.

  


*

  


Geoff told them not to make sex jokes. Michael was worried that Ray was uncomfortable with any of them having sex. Ryan told them not to bother him with questions. Jack made sure the others knew not to initiate sex things with Ray (not that any of them needed to be told that).

Gavin wanted to hide Ray away. He wanted to strip all the sex stuff out of the world. All those kind of icky and confusing moments that clouded _everything._ He didn't want Ray to have to deal with that. He went through every video game and movie in his and Geoff's house looking for ones that wouldn't bother Ray. There weren't many.

Poor Ray.

  


*

  


Ray had yelled at him for treating him like a little kid. But Gavin _hadn't_. It wasn't little kid like just to hate sex.

But it was annoying Ray so Gavin tried to back off. He still found himself immediately thinking of how uncomfortable Ray would be whenever he saw anything sexual.

  


*

  


They were all over at Jack's house when Ray coughed awkwardly. "Uhh, just, like, an update. I'm fine with having sex again."

Gavin spluttered a little into his beer.

Geoff glanced over at him before looking at Ray, "You sure?" he asked softly, "You can have all the time you need."

Ray laughed awkwardly, "No, uhh, Ryan and Michael and I have _done some stuff._ I'm ready to go again. Just, uhh, none of that super intense stuff, yeah?"

Jack and Geoff nodded hurriedly, and Ryan smiled at Ray and wrapped his arm around him, pulling him into his side.

_What?_ Why would Ray want to have sex again? If he didn't feel the need to then why was he?

How badly had Gavin buggered his understanding of asexuality?

Or was Ray just doing it because he thought he should?

That actually made the most amount of sense. It was pretty common knowledge that you were supposed to have sex to keep a relationship good, so it made sense that Ray would be worried that without sex he wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship.

Gavin didn't know how to reassure him that that wasn't the case. He wasn't even sure that Ray would appreciate it if he tried, since Ray had gotten very annoyed with thinking Gavin was being too delicate with him.

So Gavin just kept doing what he was doing, always making sure that his time with Ray was free of any sex stuff. For Ray's comfort.

  


*

  


They were all moving in together! His boys would all be around forever! Gavin was over the moon.

  


*

  


Everyone living together meant it was much harder to dodge someone. A lot more sex was happening. Gavin tried to nudge Ray into spending nights sleeping just the two of them, but a lot of the time it looked like Ray actually _liked_ the sex.

How broken would a person have to be to not like sex even as much as an _asexual?_

Had he just been convincing himself he was gay because he wanted to be special? What if he did actually like birds and he'd just wanted to be special and fit in with Michael so hard that he'd convinced himself he was gay?

Oh god, what if he wasn't gay?

  


*

  


He jerked off to a picture of boobs, just to see. It left him feeling slightly sick. It was probably because he'd cum, thus proving that he _wasn't_ gay.

  


*

  


Sometimes when Ryan was focusing on something really hard he would reach up to brush his hair out of his face even though his hair wasn't long enough for that anymore.

It made Gavin's heart ache seeing it. He was going to lose that because he wasn't good enough.

He was going to lose so many things from all of them.

He didn't know how he would manage to ever be whole again without them.

God, why couldn't he just be _normal_.

  


*

  


Gavin wasn't sure, even after all this time, that he understood Ray's asexuality.

Every time he thought about it it just seemed like this weird, barely understandable _thing._

He knew that Ray had spent a lot of time talking to the others about sex stuff, but Gavin had never been any good at that kind of thing, and he didn't _want_ to be a resource for Ray. He would just tell him something wrong, and he didn't want Ray to be misinformed. And he didn't want it to get out that he wasn't gay.

Never having good sex was more than a fair price for getting his boys. And hey, maybe if he pretended hard enough it could become true.

  


*

  


He found something _fun_. He and X-Ray and Rye-bread had been fooling around with some of Geoff's 'toys' and they'd ended up doing some half ass kinky stuff while doing a truly _terrible_ impression of superheros and villains.

It had felt so fun. Almost as good as playing video games with his boi, or joking around with Geoff.

Had that been the problem this whole time? Was the problem not that he wasn't gay but that he was just super into freaky things?

The thought made him blush and squirm, and not in a good way. He felt weird about the thought of going and joining in with the 'serious' sessions Michael and Geoff were so fond of.

Maybe he just needed to work up to it?

That was probably it.

He was so lucky to have partners who were also into kinky things. He would get to their level eventually and everything would be fine.

  


*

  


Playing with Ray and Ryan and the whip became a pretty common thing, and it was always pretty fun.

It was probably just because Gavin was being a baby that he couldn't work up the courage to really join Geoff. Every time he thought of joining him, or even suggesting something more hardcore he had felt a little sick.

So he just kept doing the fun, barely qualifying as kinky, things with Ray and Ryan.

He was such a _prude_. It was ridiculous that this was all he could manage.

  


*

  


Michael and Geoff wanted to do a weekend long scene type thing with a cock-cage. The thought left Gavin blushing. That was a _serious_ thing. Maybe it was good that Gavin hadn't mentioned that he was kinky too, he wasn't sure he could be very good at that type of thing yet.

He was just very concerned about Ray. Last time there had been some sort of 'orgasm denial' Ray had been so uncomfortable he'd almost broken up with them. Even if he did force himself into sex occasionally it didn't mean that Ray would be okay with an entire _weekend_ of it.

Gavin resolved to spend time with Ray that weekend. To make sure Ray was comfortable.

  


*

  


Gavin wasn't sure Ray was aware of it, but Gavin could tell he was a bit uncomfortable, but not very.

Gavin had been so worried that all the sexual tension would make Ray nervous.

Every time he thought about it he just got very _worried._ Because it was sure to be uncomfortable for Ray.

Ray wouldn't like the way Michael would hang around being all pent up, or the way Geoff would look at him with hungry eyes that were sometimes a bit scary and always very uncomfortable.

Ray wouldn't like that.

  


  


*

  


Geoff and Michael (and Ryan and Jack) shagged a lot in the lead up to the weekend.

Gavin ended up deciding he would keep Ray company in the spare bedroom instead, so he wouldn't feel lonely or like a party pooper or anything.

Outside of night time everyone else was as excited as Gavin had ever seen, and Gavin did his best to go along with it. Maybe if he faked his excitement long enough he would get over his stupid prude thoughts and everything would be okay.

  


*

  


Geoff and Michael weren't getting started until after dinner. That annoyed Gavin, for some reason. He kind of just wanted it to start and be over with already.

The house was still full of all this stupid tension. Gavin wasn't sure how Ray could stand it.

His stomach was starting to feel really bad.

But Ray helped him level a bit in GTA, and even though the tension was still there it was much more relaxed in the gaming room away from all the sex. Gavin was glad Ray had a space to relax.

Gavin didn't need the space himself. He was a kinky guy and was really into what Geoff and Michael were doing. He was just being dumb and _keeping_ himself from being into things by being such a prude. If he wasn't such a minge he'd be well into it.

So Gavin and Ray were in the gaming room away from all the stifling energy of the other's because _Ray_ wasn't in to it.

It must be right awful to be asexual. To always be feeling you had to pretend to like sex, to not _understand_ half of what was going on. To always feel the need to put on a show to fit in. To always feel like you were being forced to deal with something scary and big and scarily _unknown_ , in a way that left him feeling stupid and like he wanted to cry, and just _so broken_.

That must be how Ray felt, even if he didn't act like it.

How _Ray_ felt.

How Ray felt, that Gavin couldn't emphasize with.

How _Ray_ felt.

How Ray…

How he…

How _he_ …

…

…

…

Oh.

Oh bullocks.

  


*

  


It was a stupid thought. Totally bonkers.

There wasn't anything special with him, he was just messed up in the head. There wasn't a reason for it. He just sucked.

There was no reason for him to try and pretend he fit someone else's label. That would be rude and stupid, like all the straight people claiming to be queer, and Gavin wasn't that big an asshole

It was a _ridiculous_ thought.

There was no chance that Gavin was anything other than just randomly broken.

It was stupid of him to hide himself in the other spare room and look over the forums he hadn't looked at since Ray had come out. It was ridiculous. Ray would be _pissed_ if he knew what Gavin was doing.

It wasn't like Gavin could just use someone else's _identity_ as an excuse for why he was broken.

The only reason he was starting to feel the niggling fear at how familiar some of those stories were was because he was trying to talk himself into this stupid idea.

He was sure if he looked hard enough he could find things familiar in stories by people who were into animals, or dead bodies or-or _wet bread,_ or what have you. It was dumb to think that just because he found something relatable about a story that it was immediately relevant to _him._

God, how self centred could he get?

And of course Ray came into the room _hours_ earlier than he ever had before.

Gavin slammed the laptop shut, feeling so guilty at Ray catching him with his hand in the cookie jar.

What was he _doing_ thinking that could be like him. That was just so _offensive_ comparing Ray's sexuality to how broken Gavin was.

There was _nothing_ stopping Gavin from liking sex but his own mingy brain.

Luckily there was no way for Ray to actually know what he'd been doing and instead just teased him about porn, which left Gavin even more flustered.

Gavin left the room quickly, going to the bathroom to get ready for sleeping.

He took a deep breath when he got in there and looked at himself in the mirror.

He was gay, and he had his boyfriend being all hot and needy and that was super hot. Gavin was obviously turned on.

He just needed to get over himself.

He wanted sex. He wanted sex right _then_. Of course he did, how could he not? There had been so much sexual tension that week, of course he was turned on. He was just being a git. He'd totally been checking Michael out. He totally wanted to ride that. Anyone would.

So Gavin totally wanted sex right then and there.

Jack and Ryan were both undoubtedly super horny. And they weren't being gits so they wouldn't have a problem having sex, and it would make sense for Gavin to go and join in on the enthusiastic sex.

But. But he had told Ray he would sleep with him. So he had to go back to Ray.

But he _was_ horny. He had to be. And when you were horny you wanted sex. So Gavin _really_ wanted to have sex. If he didn't then that would mean something was wrong with him and absolutely nothing was wrong with him.

Gavin watched Ray intently as they both climbed into bed. Ray was fine with sex. He'd yelled at Gavin so many times for thinking he wasn't, because Gavin didn't understand the whole asexual thing at all. Ray would probably like it if Gavin initiated things with him for once.

And Gavin was so horny from seeing Michael all hot like that.

He couldn't help himself.

Gavin jerked his arm forward and brought Ray down for a kiss that was as steamy as Gavin could make it.

Ray flailed a little at the sudden move, but didn't fight, and Gavin was so horny he couldn't help himself.

But he could pull back enough to be just a little considerate, "Michael's so hot, isn't he?" Gavin explained (begged).

Ray shrugged, "I guess he's pretty cute, yeah."

God even _Ray_ was into it. So thinking he was somehow _special_ wasn't an excuse for how messed up Gavin was.

Ray kept speaking, but Gavin was having a hard time hearing him over his own thoughts.

And plus he was horny. Horny people couldn't help themselves.

Gavin reached over and shoved his hand down Ray's pants to his dick and grabbed the hem of his shirt to try and pull it off.

Almost immediately he got himself caught in the collar and overbalanced. If Ray hadn't grabbed him he would have fallen off the bed.

Gavin took a second as his heart lept from the sudden scare.

Ray took the opportunity to laugh at him, "Guess that porn got you more worked up than I thought?"

Gavin scowled, "I _wasn't_ looking at porn," he grumbled, "I told you, it's just Michael."

Gavin looked at Ray hopefully. He hated asking for sex from Ray. But that was stupid, Ray had said it was fine, and anyone proper would take that opportunity. Because everyone took sex where they could get it.

Eventually Ray shrugged a little, "Fine. I guess we can have a quickie."

Gavin perked up at that. Good. He could prove to himself that everything was fine so long as he wasn't being a spaff.

The only problem with that was that his knob just didn't want to co-operate. It was stupid and embarrassing and didn't mean anything. Lot's of guys had that problem. It didn't _mean_ anything.

Gavin grabbed the lube from Ray and started fisting his dick. He was _horny_. He could get an erection. He just needed to think about Michael and the way he'd been so needy sounding and how he'd scream when Geoff pounded into him and it would just be flesh on flesh and two hot men and it was _nothing that should disturb Gavin._ These were _good_ thoughts. They were _good thoughts._

What was _wrong_ with him?

His dick wouldn't get hard.

That didn't mean anything. It happened. He was over thinking things. Everyone would make fun of him if he tried to voice this out loud. It didn't mean anything.

And the fact that he felt oddly detached from himself all through the consolation blowjob Ray gave him didn't mean anything.

It felt good. He was having his dick sucked. Of course it felt good.

He was just being a spaff by feeling like his stomach was full of snakes at having someone else's mouth on him in such a good good (horrible) way.

Ray pulled off eventually, when Gavin's dick didn't do much more than twitch (which _didn't mean anything_ ).

Ray rolled over and fell asleep pretty quickly. Gavin couldn't go to sleep.

His dick felt weird were Ray's mouth had been. His stomach was in knots. His head was full of bees.

He was _fine._

Gavin snuck downstairs and curled up on the couch in the recording room.

His eyes and throat burned. He didn't cry.

  


*

  


Gavin spent the morning hiding out in the recording room, caught between wanting to do something to keep his mind off of stupid thoughts and not having the energy to do anything more than just lie there feeling terrible.

He got some editing done. He tried to tell himself that he was only still hiding because the recording room had the best computer for his slow-mo, but not even he bought that. He was there because he was a baby who wanted to stay in a safe little bubble where he didn't have to worry about being a git or stepping on toes or making a fool of himself.

But unfortunately his stomach eventually started to get the best of him. He'd gotten up and eaten before anyone else was up, and it was now after noon.

Reluctantly Gavin saved his work and stood up to head to the kitchen.

As soon as he opened the door he could hear the noises coming from the bedroom. Gavin winced when Michael let out a particularly loud mewl. Then he felt stupid for flinching. He was just talking himself into these nerves. He'd never had a problem with sex before. So now that he'd gotten a stupid idea in his head he was acting all jumpy over nothing.

Dumb.

Gavin grabbed a bag of GoldFish, his appetite having left him, which was stupid because he was still hungry, and going and finding Ray.

Not because Gavin wanted to hide and Ray was an excuse. That was dumb to think he'd do that. He was only going because Ray was uncomfortable with this stuff and Gavin cared about him.

Ray was in the gaming room, with the door _wide_ open.

Gavin didn't know what to make of that, except he knew it was more proof that he didn't know what he was talking about.

He closed the door. It was stupid and Gavin was just making himself think things that weren't true.

He needed the door closed.

Over the sound of both their games the sex noises were drowned out, and Gavin was able to forget about things for a little, which was his preferred way of dealing with things.

So he was fine. He was only freaking out when he dwelled on it, when he wasn't dwelling he was just a perfectly normal kinky gay guy.

His stomach started to twist again at dinner. Seeing Michael, and seeing the reminder of what he was _supposed_ to be feeling set him off again.

Gavin was into that. Gavin was _into that._ How stupid was he that he couldn't even recognize when he was into something?

Gavin tried. He tried _so hard_ to be into it. He thought maybe he was getting there. He was noticing the cute pink of Michael's cheeks, and feeling a thrill at the hungry look in Geoff's face.

Then Geoff reached over to hand feed Michael.

It was sexy. It was one of those essentially sexy things, like bums and kissing, that everyone was into.

Gavin wanted to be into it. Gavin _was_ into it.

Gavin didn't know if he was into it.

He felt hollow inside. Like he'd been emptied out and was now just a pitiful shell.

He didn't know what was going on.

He wanted to go hide again.

  


*

  


He was a coward for not even being able to deal with his own thoughts, but he took one of Ryan's sleeping pills and went to bed early, wanting to not have to listen to his brain for a couple of hours.

  


*

  


Apparently he hadn't been hiding his crisis from the others as well as he had thought because the next day Jack and Ray declared they were going to go and play mini-golf and go to the arcade and such for the day.

Gavin felt _so guilty_. His boyfriends weren't supposed to be worrying about him. He was the laid back one. They weren't supposed to be worrying about him.

But… what if he _could_ talk to them? What was the worst that would happen? They tell him off for trying to worm his way into an identity? That would be mortifying, and Ray would be mad for a bit, but Gavin was _pretty_ sure he could deal with that?

Gavin played with his club as he watched Ray continue to fail and get his ball in the hole.

"Jack," Gavin started, trying to make his voice sound as much like he was just talking about a stupid curiosity as he could, "What do you think of the whole 'invading queer spaces' thing?"

Ray snorted, "You spend too much time online."

Gavin bristled a little, "People write us things. I wanted to know what they were talking about."

Jack laughed, "I wished there was a website I could go to to figure out what _people_ were talking about," he teased.

Gavin forced a laugh, doing everything he could to keep himself looking calm. All he had to do was pretend there was a camera around. This was easy. He could get through this and no one would notice anything.

Gavin squawked a little, "Well I just heard a lot of people getting right minged off about straight people trying to claim to be queer about every little thing."

Jack shrugged, "If someone says they're queer than they are. Sounds to me like people are just gate keeping."

"Yeah," Ray agreed, "Plus, it's probably mostly people who don't feel like _they_ qualify as 'queer enough'. Or think they qualify too much. Whatever. Who cares. It's mostly just kids anyways."

"I guess," Gavin agreed. "So you wouldn't be mad if someone said they were bi or something but only dated birds?"

Jack shook his head, "No? If they were saying shitty things and talking over people that would be one thing, but just _identifying_ as something is fine."

Ray whooped as he finally got his ball in the hole and Gavin and Jack gave him a sarcastic golf clap. Ray rolled his eyes at them and picked up his ball, "No see Jack, you're totally wrong about that. If someone did that they would get a _terrible_ gay score. And everyone knows if you get less than a 7.2 you get kicked out of the club."

Gavin forced a laugh as he followed them to the next hole.

That was nice to hear. He didn't think Ray and Jack were being totally _truthful_ , but it was nice to hear. After all it would be right annoying if someone called themself, like a gamer even though they didn't game, or British even though they'd hardly lived there. Only an asshole would do that.

Of course, though, obviously it would be right awful to say immigrants weren't proper British. And it was all childish and shite to try and say who was and wasn't a gamer.

But that was different.

  


*

  


Gavin continued to hide out in the gaming room with Ray while the rest finished off their weekend with a 'bang.'

Ray knew that Gavin was being a spiffy little twat. But all he did was ask if Gavin wanted to talk, and accepted when Gavin said he didn't.

They played for a bit before Ray turned in, Gavin saying he had a call to make.

His boyfriends had just spent a night of marathon sex. They'd spent a _weekend_ of marathon sex.

Gavin had had more fun playing silently with Ray then he ever had having sex.

Once upon a time he'd thought he was straight. Then he'd thought he was gay. Then that he was kinky. What kind of moron needs to re-evaluate their sexuality so many times?

How slow could Gavin possibly be?

And what if he were _wrong_. What if he told someone and then realized he was wrong and needed to come out for a _third_ time? Would anyone even listen to him at that point?

Gavin buried his face in his hands. He wasn't good at this kind of thing.

But… but. He wasn't alone. He didn't have to be alone.

Gavin climbed the stairs to the spare room he knew Ray would be in on shaky legs.

He knocked on the door and pushed it open.

Ray looked up from his game, "Sup?"

Gavin took a breath and everything swarm through his head. The posters when he was a teenager, his first girlfriend, Michael, how hard he always had to try during sex. How broken he felt. And he took a deep breath, "Can. Can I talk to you about something?"

Ray smiled, "Sure."

"I-" Gavin had a hard time getting the words out, his throat felt thick, "I think maybe I'm asexual."  
 


End file.
